THE LEGEND OF TARZAN

“My husband is no normal man…”

Not the Tarzan film you were expecting, nor probably wanted, The Legend of Tarzan sees Tarzan, who for some reason is now not called Tarzan, but is called John, return to his African home after years of living in dull old England so he can free the natives from the invading Belgian villain known as Rom. Bloody Belgians. Oh and the more classic Tarzan meets Jane story is told through flashbacks.

When the trailers first coming out for the film, it was my hope that the only reason it looked… mediocre was because the trailers themselves weren’t that good. As it turns out, having a mediocre trailer was the right move, because that’s exactly what this film is: Mediocre. Well, maybe a little bit less, but you get the point. Of course, when watching the film the only thing I was thinking the entire way through was that the 1999 cartoon film, Y’Know, the one everybody loves because it’s brilliant, was a thousand times better than this.

The thing is, the film doesn’t even have that good visuals to keep it upright. The landscape shots of the forest and some of the locations in them are nice enough, but the film is riddled with less than average CGI. Five years ago it might’ve looked good, but time and technology has moved on. Some of the animals do look ok, but that’s probably more to do with the fact that most of their scenes are quite dark, especially towards the end. As for Tarzan…Sorry, John…swinging through the trees…You all remember Shia LaBeouf swinging through trees in Indiana Jones 4, right? I mean. It’s a bit better than that, but the moment it switches from real locations to CGI shots, you’ll notice, and that’s not fun when watching a film. Each shot should carry on from the next without the viewer knowing what’s real and what isn’t, something Mad Max: Fury Road did bloody well, and this film really, really didn’t.

With a cast featuring names such as Samuel L Jackson, Margot Robbie, Alexander Skarsgard and Christoph Waltz, you’d expect some top notch performances. Yet again though, the viewer receives far less than expected. Whether it was the script or the directing or whatever, none of the big names in the film every quite find that moment. And the thing is, I know they all can. Margot Robbie was spectacular in Suicide Squad, and Samuel L Jackson is pretty much great in everything. But they never quite fit into their characters boots.

From a Tarzan, sorry, John, film, you’ll be expecting some action sequences. Fear not! There are some. Three, maybe. Five tops, but don’t take my word on that. Thankfully, it’s in these action sequences that the film’s editing team really come into a league of their own. It’s one of those pub leagues that just play for the fun of it, and have a beer or seven after the match whatever the outcome. The combat scenes, few and far between as they are, cut away just before every punch lands, probably in the hope of not mildly distressing someone who doesn’t want to see a CGI monkey get hit in the arm, and the amount of shot changes in these fights makes the whole thing very disorientating. Several times I lost track of what was going on, which isn’t what you want. This isn’t a Jason Bourne film. Other action scenes include the finale of Avatar but instead of massive alien Rhinos and colourful nasguls saving the planet, you get Buffalo being herded by three lions, a half-naked man and a gorilla, with the ability to run at roughly 100mph and stampede their way through solid concrete buildings, and Tarzan, sorry, John using a twenty meter tree rope to swing a distance of roughly 200ish meters, do a loop, and land on a moving train.

But worst of all, in a film a completely less than mediocre storytelling, acting and CGI, is the moment where some random guy says he doesn’t speak English, and then answers the following question in perfect. Fucking. English.

Man with moustache, you've just become one of my least favourite movie characters ever.

Maybe it’s just me holding the Disney version in too high esteem, but having a Tarzan called John, a Jane who is now American for…reasons and a villain who doesn’t bellow the entire forest down like Brian Blessed just doesn’t feel right. There’s a reason this movie is the highest grossing of all time, and there’s a reason you probably completely forgot about it like I did. It’s one of those films that would’ve been best left alone and Warner Brothers probably want quietly swept under the rug. If you’re thinking of watching this film just to see what it’s like, don’t. Do yourself and whoever you might be with a favour, and avoid all of whatever this film is trying to be, a love story or a homecoming story, I still don’t know, and go and watch the 1999 version. It’s great. The music is great, the action is great and the story isn’t this one. This one has one too many references to that one, but this isn’t that. This is…yeah, this is just plain bad.